Perhaps it's through some anomaly in natural selection that the phenomenon of PMS is still present in our current society. PMS refers to Pre-Menstrual Syndrome. These three letters spell out a period of increased emotionality, increased illogicality and increased demands from me in my girlfriend. And it is during the period (N.P.I) when PMS is exhibited by her that I am the most vulnerable to conflicts.
At this time of the month, funny and seemingly unreasonable demands come flowing in.
"Why are you going out with the same friends two times in the same month?"
"Why are you calling me and not smsing me?"
(Two months prior to that, it was, " Why are you smsing me so much and not calling me?")
Sometimes, even if it could settle arguments, I would hesitate to agree to certain conditions set by my girlfriend during PMS if I know would put me at a disadvantageous position in the future, or which makes little sense. Conditions like "You cannot high five girls when you play sports," or "You cannot lift up your shirt to wipe your sweat when you play sports" have been easy to adhere to. But I find others like, "In the future when you become a teacher, you cannot give your students your phone number. If they want to ask you questions, they have to do so by email" hard to comply with. By agreeing to such demands, I would be able to pacify her. But in the long run, it would set the stage for more conflicts.
I love my girlfriend, and I do not only want to learn how to bear with her on a temporal basis. So if ANYONE has any insights to how to handle PMS and PMS related requests (for the long run), feel free to post your comments on this!
Edit:
Thank you all for your comments! I must agree that many of your comments are wonderful, and they reflect the stance that I have adopted in response to PMS. From my girlfriend, I understand that at the onset of PMS, sometimes girls do not see illogicalities in their arguments. So, I'm taking steps to learn how to stop my rational breaking down of situations during PMS, and to talk with my girlfriend on an emotional level. I had learnt much from all your comments, and I would strive to apply what I have been taught in real life. Thanks! =)
I think patience with her during such a period would help. What she wants is your attention because she likes to feel like she's your one and only, exclusive to her. Hence the "You cannot high five girls when you play sports" condition.
ReplyDeleteAlso, she may be trying to 'protect' you from unnecessary compromising position that you may have with female students which might cost you your job as a teacher.
From what I understand from your post, her actions stem from slight jealousy and mistrust. You will have to gently explain to her how special she is to you and perhaps reason it out with her how such conditions are not necessary if there is trust between both of you. Most important thing is to avoid this PMS period when you have this conversation with her.
Hope my comment will be somewhat helpful.
PS: I would like to think i am one of the lucky girls who do not suffer from your above-mentioned PMS.
Hi Edwin.
ReplyDeleteTo make you feel better, I can tell you that your girlfriend is definitely not the only one who "suffers" from PMS. If it makes you feel better, I guess most girls I know suffer bouts of PMS, including myself, and my poor boy has to deal with them. But I can safely say my case is not as serious as yours! (No offense!)
From what I've learnt, and I know this sounds harsh, but it's right of you not to give in to any unreasonable demands because you wouldn't want to be placing yourself in any precarious positions in future. That's what my boyfriend learnt anyway. :P
Of course, like what Michelle mentioned, it's definitely important to constantly reassure your affections for your girlfriend. But it's also necessary to point out to her and to let her understand that her actions in her PMS-state are causing you hurt (in some form or another), so hopefully she'll be able to better control herself for your sake. It's always better to be happy than sad right? :) Of course, please only mention this during the non-PMS period, or what I like to call "the right state of mind".
Man, I sound like Aunt Agony. I guess reading too many magazines actually paid off. All the best in your relationship, Edwin!
Sup Edwin,
ReplyDeleteOMG! Supposing, Edwin, everything you wrote is non-fiction, I just swallowed my own tongue from having never seen such a girl described in the manner above in my whole wide life! What kind of evil you must have done, Edwin, to deserve such a girl like no other I have ever seen!! Good grace!
Look at good Michelle; she makes the most sense in her above-mentioned advice, and has such a wonderful, desirable heart and head on her shoulders consequently. I couldnt imagine a girl who couldnt match Mitchelle in the very least of her wonderful aspects I would go so far to think you should take her up as your new g.f!! I personally wouldnt hesistate one bit too given such a chance!!
But the gf of yours, to whom I am thoroughly incredulous; how could she ever treat you that way!! She has violated your human rights, Edwin, and she being Christian and you too, should know God doesn't like her behaviour however natural!!! I would even go so far as to say all the fault (interpersonal/intrapersonal etc) lies with her, not you!
Look at her laundry of demands: "You cannot lift up your shirt to wipe your sweat when you play sports?" That is just so incredibly dubious, even the best words cant qualify it enough. What has that possibly got to do with the relationship, if any at all. The best solution, and contrary to Michelle's secular advice, is to point your gf back to the bible and God. In my opinion, if she is truely a born-again Christian and of course you too, she and you should consider and judge all of your ways, actions and thoughts according to the cross/God/scripture/Christ/Lord. That would mean for a start with regards to yourself, I suggest you take steps in 'moving' your gf to the word of God and asking her to consider her actions on the basis of the authencity of her Christian faith.
You need to calmly explain to her that God does not EXCUSE pre-mentrual syndrome, just as God WILL NOT excuse your own (men's) instinctive lust for women or excuse any other sin in this world that anybody commits (God judges all sin); and that she MUST try to CONTROL her lawless fleshly monster inside her, just as you try to control yours! (That is the first step in empathy in interpersonal/intrapersonal communication. Tell her you have almost the same types of problems with regards to being a man, and she should accordingly empathize with you and therefore take heed).
And the reason God doesn't excuse sin is simple. Tell her that God is perfect and sin abhors him, or she should already be acquainted and incepted with this long ago! Give her his analogy below if she still doesnt listen to the advice above.
Tell her this: If a person has anger (sin) within him, does it mean he can give in to that anger and murder the one that provoked that anger? Similarly, if you have PMS(genetically-induced gendered sin is still a sin all the same, no excuse can be tolerated by a perfect God), does it mean you can/should give in to that and be at its mercy and importunate or hassle/harrass me with all your whims and fancies?
(This is the 2nd way to empathy in interpersonal communication---truthfulness and honesty with calm composure and soft-spoken words---traits of Christ-likeness!!).
ReplyDeleteI am also giving you, Edwin, and your gf biblical solutions because it so happened the both of you were Christians. I wouldnt do so to anybody else who are non-Christians, at least not so explicity using words like "God says this or that"; and this is on top of giving you interpersonal/intrapersonal solutions above for which the former boosts the latter!!
Also Edwin, another important point to note is this: in order to get across to your gf through the biblical way (on top of interpersonal/intrapersonal), you need to first pray for strength and guidance from God. Prayer is the most powerful thing in the world; and without your prayer, you will FAIL to touch your gf's heart and instead continue to submit to her whims and fancies or ultimately get yourself worked up or frustrated and break off with her. Because without prayer, you are telling God you dont need him to change your gf, you can do it all alone because you are a big man! True victors in Christian living always have God completely as an ever-present entity in every single area of their lives.
When you are done praying, you should pray WITH her, and get her to PRAY with and for herself. And you need the proper interpersonal skills to get across to her and ask her to do all these things. How do you get the proper interpersonal skills? Yes, you did learn them in ES2007s, but that is NOT ENOUGH and Brad doesnt teach this precious I am about to say!
How do know which angle to go into your interaction with her? Sure you can have a very high EQ and IQ intellect and can weight pros and cons and arrive at the correct interpersonal skill needed to tackle her; BUT, even if is the correct skill and if even God agrees it is the correct skill, he WILL USE ALL HIS POWER TO MAKE SURE THE CORRECT SKILL IS INEFFECTIVE OR FAIL TO IDENTIFY WITH AND THEREFORE CHANGE YOUR GF!!! Why? Because you didnt pray, Edwin!! God wants you to commit your gf and yourself---your skills, to him! Because God wants you to learn Godly humility and mutual trust with him! Because that is how you will GROW in your Christian life and become SUCCESSFUL (God’s successful not the world’s successful---money, women, prestige or whatever) in whatever you do. God wants the best for you, AND SO HE WILL BE WILLING TO MAKE YOU FAIL WITH YOUR GF OR OTHERWISE, AND SUFFER PAIN IF ONLY SO YOU EMERGE WISER AND STRONGER!!! So for a Christian, this is how things work, all your skills---EQ,IQ,AQ are God's and under his control!!! He can make a poor EQ person successful if he wants it to be that way, because that person is much humbler than you are for he prays more often and longer than you with God!!! For Christians, Edwin, always remember, all the skills you have acquired COUNT FOR NOTHING, without God!!! I'm not saying to ask you to quit ES2007s, I'm only reminding you as Christian, WHERE TO PLACE YOUR PRIORITIES. The priority is not the ES2007s skills you learnt here; of course they are important and God is not telling you not to learn them; rather he wants you to KNOW WHO IS THE BOSS!!!!!
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And if you are Christian and continually disregard him in all areas of your life including with your gf, God will make sure you pay a high price, if only so you turn back to him. That is love for you, Edwin, God's love!!
ReplyDeleteSo Edwin, learn your interpersonal/intrapersonal skills well and try to apply the ones I recommended above, BUT, make sure you ALSO pray to God and ask for guidance on whether the interpersonal/intrapersonal skills I recommended are going to work with her. Even if God is not going to tell you EXPLICITLY whether my recommendations are going to be effective or not, just the simple act of praying and committing yourself, your skills and gf to him, IS ENOUGH TO TOUCH HIS HEART AND LET HIM SEE THAT YOU, EDWIN, ARE INDEED A GOD-LOVING CHRISTIAN, and he will accordingly allow you to succeed with whatever interpersonal methodology you use with your gf. But this is not to say that I mean you can literally use whatever skill, such as bad-mouthing her, or confronting her with a loud voice, or giving her a slap or whatever, to make her change. NO! God gave you a conscience, and through your prayer with him, you will definitely know that the skill you are supposed to use with your gf must be in a 'GOOD' sense. Of course, good is subjective and what is good may be bad to somebody else; but I'm talking about the Christian good, and this good is absolute and unchangeable, you will know it well or not depends on your relationship with him which MUST include having read the word of God, because you can only know what is GOOD only after having been CONVICTED by the spirit of God through reading his word, of what is good and bad. If a Christian claims that after reading the good in the word of God, he has been taught to murder, lie, hurt, deceive; that is not possible. The Christian sense of good is absolute and unchanging, and although different people may interpret the good differently, it is not so different to such an extent that people can have diametrically opposite interpretations. All biblical interpretations of the good share one common absolute form, and their variance should not fall outside 1-2 percent, I would say, for God himself wouldnt allow it, if you asked me. He will protect his Word!
If you ask me Edwin, what the real problem is with your gf, its not her PMS, if it even is at all. (Did you ask her directly if it is really PMS, or you made a calculated guess?) The real problem is her sinful nature which contains the PMS!!!! The PMS is one part of the whole picture, Edwin, I urge you to see!!! Just as for guys, lust is one part of the whole picture of sin. When a husband strays from his wife, and supposing it is a sexual sin, and in fact it always has to be the case, then we always implicate lust; but really the problem is more than lust. The problem, if anybody really knew, is with his masculinity or manhood. Jealousy, sloth, greed, lust are sub-level sins under the master sin---which is the defect in masculinity for men, and femininity for women!!!! Not sure if anybody really knew, but its stated right in the bible in Genesis. The sin of men and women is the sin in their masculinity and femininity!!! And that covers and explains all the other sub-level sins in this world!!
So Edwin, I would say your gf's root problem is the defect in her femininity!!! But not that Michelle, as I was giving lavish praise only a moment ago above, has no defect in her femininity. Rather I am saying Michelle just manages to control her own defect a little better than your gf's. I'm sure Michelle has her own defects and everybody else is different from everybody else. And also all defects are to the same degree.
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If Michelle has a 50 percent defect in her femininitiy, so has your gf and you and I too. Sin is sin, everybody has the same type/degree/nature of sin in them, nobody has lesser sin or more sin!!!! You can only manage it, AND IT STILL REMAINS THERE!!! For a man, he can control/manage his lust (for christians he manages it with God's help), but it is still there. It never goes away, because sin never ever goes away. Similarly for your gf, she will FOREVER have the URGE to hassle you with her PMS-related whims, but it doesnt mean she has to give in to them, and especially for a Christian like her, she has added strength and defense in the form of God's to oust those urges. She needs to really pray and ask for strength to overcome those urges to bother you with her whims. I'm talking about strength of mind/spirit/pysche/nature/being that she needs to ask of God, and you on her behalf also and even her whole family or yours on her behalf. You must REALLY want her to change, AND she MUST REALLY want to change herself, because God can do nothing with a hardened heart!! On that basis, its not an interpersonal issue any more, Edwin. You need to also tell your gf that it is a combination with her own INTRAPERSONAL issues that needs God's intervention and grace!! And these intrapersonal issues are the defects in femininity that I have been talking about only just, Edwin!! Let me give you a detailed explanation of what I meant by femininity defect!
ReplyDeleteThe definition of femininity (as defined in the bible, and not the worldly definition which says femininity is PHYSICAL BEAUTY or ATTRACTIVENESS, which is deviant(bad). Haha!) is one that gives life and love; is creative, gentle and elegant!!! Don't anybody know this real meaning? I hope somebody does! And this femininity is the femininity of the SOUL/MIND/SPIRIT/PSYCHE/NATURE, not her FLESH/BODY/PHYSIC/APPEARANCE. That is the ULTIMATE DEFINITION OF feminine, and this definition is the same one found in the ancient languages of Greek, Hebrew, and Latin!!! It got altered to mean physical beauty only because MEN made that change and misrepresented it, and the whole world followed suit!!
Ok, so having defined femininity as the above, and since all women have the same defect to the same degree and type, then it follows your gf might have some problems in the categories of giving live and love, and being gentle, elegant and creative! I'm not in the best position to judge in what area she feeling she is not giving enough life and love to people around her, for only she knows best and probably you too. But to give a general idea of what not being able to give life and love mean, consider the following:
Not being able to give life to someone may mean that your gf is having trouble having a POSITIVE impact on someone else's life, be it with you now, or with somebody else such as her sister or school friends or even her parents or whatever.(and the problem may be combined with interpersonal/intrapersonal ones as well). Because God made a feminine soul a feminine by virtue of its ability to give life to EVERYTHING it TOUCHES!! But because of that defect in her femininity, your gf CANNOT give life to everything she touches or interacts with. And that explains why it SO SATISFIES A WOMAN WHEN SHE IS PREGNANT, because she is PRECISELY GIVING LIFE TO HER FOETUS AND LATER HER INFANT WHEN SHE GIVES BIRTH!!!! And that satisfaction a pregnant or nursing mother feels is the satisfaction of her FEMININE SOUL!!!!
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Do you see where I am coming from, Edwin, and therefore get a glimpse into the mind/spirit/soul/psyche of your gf's and any other feminine or woman on earth? I'm not saying your gf needs to wait until she's pregnant or gives birth to feel that she can give life. She can start now, but she wouldnt have been helped by her past failures to have been disappointed time and again in using her femininity or womanhood to impact positively others' life. Therefore, she is using that past experience of failure TO MAKE SENSE OF HER RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU NOW, EDWIN!! She is looking at the relationship with you, Edwin, THROUGH THE LENS OF HER PAST FAILURES (WHICH OF COURSE SHE WONT/MIGHTNT TELL YOU YET BECAUSE IT WILL DESTROY HER FEMININITY AND HENCE HER CONFIDENCE EVEN FURTHER!!!!). So Edwin, it is important that you DO NOT quiz her on her past femininity failures, because that will only distance her away from you. I am providing you with this knowledge, Edwin, SO THAT YOU USE IT WISELY AS A WAY TO UNDERSTAND YOUR GF and therefore connect with her VIA OTHER INTERPERSONAL MEANS, AND NOT TO START INTERROGATING/QUESTIONING HER ON HER PAST FAILURES!!! And all feminine/woman would have experienced some sort of failure with their femininity, you can be very sure; by virtue no femininity is perfect. The same for men and their masculinity!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd so if your gf has trouble giving life to others, she will also have trouble giving love to others (one of the other requirements of feminine perfection in the definition), because that is the most sensible to expect, and that is presented in the form of her hassling you with all sorts of supposedly PMS-related whims. Because she has trouble finding how best to show her love for you Edwin. She is madly in love with Edwin, so to speak. Haha! BUT she has no idea if her love is EFFECTIVE, and this is aggravated during her supposed PMS problem because she has more doubts about her own effectiveness of her own love. In other words, Edwin, she is twice as madly in love with you during PMS, or dont you see Edwin? Haha! That is another 'positive' angle to look at things, Edwin. If you can recognize that, Edwin, you will start to see things differently and ENJOY your gf's supposed PMS-related whims which are really defects in her femininity and extends beyond simply just her PMS!!! If her feminine soul is PERFECT, no amount of PMS can bother her, and you should really think she doesnt love you anymore because she stopped hassling you. Haha! You see Edwin, if you can see into your gf's mind/soul/spirit/nature, your problem is solved, you can communicate directly to her feminine being/nature/mind/soul/spirit by trying to tackle the femininity defect directly, and how do you get the solution to that femininity defect? The real (real because it is LONG-TERM AND THEREFORE EFFECTIVE) answer is in the bible, Edwin, not so much in ES2007s or interpersonal communication!!!! Interpersonal communication only get you so far, Edwin, not to say it is less than effective. It is effective, but it just isn't FUNDAMENTALLY LIFE-CHANGING, and therefore does not offer as big/great a hope for true feminine success in life which is having joy, peace, giving life, love, having creativity, gentleness, elegance---the very same attributes I wrote in the definition of femininity earlier.
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The Word of God or God himself, not professional communication, offers the better (best) solution for the defect in your gf's femininity, Edwin!
ReplyDeleteYour gf's ability to give love is also directly related to the love she is able to receive from her parents when she was younger!!! Because no father/mother is perfect, your gf DOESNT receive PERFECT LOVE from them. And because the love is less than fulfilling/perfect, your gf also gives off faulty love or love that is not perfect, and because of that she is demanding your attention because only your full attention can make her feel that she CAN GIVE PERFECT LOVE!!! But she needs to know she cant, AND THAT IS ALRIGHT AND FINE!!!!!! Only God can give perfect love, Edwin. Tell your gf that you do not have perfect love, and she cannot expect perfect love from herself and you just because her father/mother didnt give her the perfect love she wants!!!! This is really the ROOT FUNDAMENTAL CAUSE of your gf’s behaviour, and I do not expect she or you knows the reason why she is behaving this way is due to being imperfectly loved. (that’s clearly stated in the bible.) That is really also why she is hassling you, Edwin; because she thinks/expects you to shower her with perfect love/attention, which you know is impossible because you arent God. So Edwin, you need to calmly explain to her all these things I said, which are all from the bible itself!!! If you arent too in tune with the bible's values or contents, I would suggest you take the issue of your gf's to your pastor, who would presumably have more biblical knowledge and therefore the solutions and guidance from God's word for your gf. Your gf, like all girls (feminine souls) in all over the world, are all trying to find perfection in their feminine souls; similarly for all men, we are trying to find that perfection in our masculine souls, and for Christians, they should know or already know that only God can fulfil that need, not to a perfection, but at least to some better state than before, because we can never reach perfection! For non-christians, the situation is different, and I am not obligated to go into that, I just want to HELP EDWIN ONLY!!!!!!!!!
In fact, Edwin the best verse in the Genesis best represents the defect in femininity due to sin or the Fall of Men from the Garden of Eden. It reads:
(For a woman)"Your desire shall be for your man!!!!!!!!!!"
What does this verse mean and how does it relate to your gf's feminine defect? Well, because of sin and the fall of men, one of the conequences of that sin is labor pains during childbirth for a woman, and the other is encapsulated in this statement above. Becareful though when you interpret this verse, I'm not meaning for it to be something good; it is not a positive consequence of sin, rather, it is a negative one. The desire of a woman's for her man is not that she desire to forever be faithful to her husband. NO!!!! THAT IS THE WRONG INTERPRETATION AND INCONSISTENT WITH THE NATURE OF SIN!!!! Rather the statement means that a woman's desire for her man will be so pathological and destructive it will ultimately cause her pain and suffering than joy, peace, love. A woman's desire for her man will be so destructive because she will WANT THE REIGNS AND CONTEND THE CONTROL OF POWER WITH HER MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND HER HEART WILL ACHE BECAUSE OF THAT BECAUSE SHE WILL BE CONSTANTLY WORRIED THAT HER MAN DOES NOT DESIRE HER AS MUCH ANYMORE, AND THEREFORE SHE WILL TRY TO TAKE THINGS INTO HER OWN HANDS BY CONTROLLING HER MAN AND PUTTING AUTHORITATIVE DEMANDS ON HIM ONLY TO BE REJECTED.
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SHE WILL THEN SUFFER MORE PAIN AND ANGUISH AT HER OWN DOUBTS ABOUT HER OWN MAN AND THE CYCLE NEVER ENDS TILL SHE DIES!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteDo you see Edwin, this is the BEST CONCLUSION TO YOUR GFS BEHAVIOUR TOWARDS YOU, BECAUSE SHE EXACTLY DEMONSTRATES THE SAME EXACT FEATURES OF FEMININE SIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your gf's desire is so strong (destructive) she wants to CONTROL YOU; SHE WANTS TO OVERPOWER YOU, SHE WANTS YOU, A MASCULINE, TO LISTEN TO HER; SHE WANTS YOU, EDWIN, TO SUBMIT TO HER, RATHER THAN THE OTHER WAY ROUND!!!!!!!!! Women/wives are supposed to submit to their men/husbands, not the other way round, or I expect you to already know this!!!! If you get married to your gf, your gf is supposed to submit to you (masculine), presuming you are a good masculine and you lead her in the TRUTH (LIGHT) OUT OF TROUBLES AND PROBLEMS, AND NOT IN THE DARK!!!!! This is God's law in the bible, Edwin, that women/wives submit to their men/husbands (masculine), and when God mentioned the statement "your desire shall be for your man," he means that BECAUSE OF SIN and the fall of men, WOMEN/WIVES WILL HAVE THE TENDENCY TO WANT TO UPSET THAT POWER BALANCE AND SNATCH POWER FROM THEIR MEN/HUSBANDS (masculine)!!!!!!!!!!! DONT YOU SEE EDWIN?????????? Of course that is only supposing the masculine himself is perfect, which brings us to a whole different definition of masculinity which I havent done and dont intend to, because I have written too much. But the main point is that if the masculine is Christian and convicted in the holy (truthful/pure/perfect) ways of God, THEN ONLY he is eligible to lead his Christian feminine/woman/wife to the same convicted truthful/perfect/pure/holy ways of God. Which means to say Edwin, the statement and God is saying that a feminine's defect or imperfectness IS DIRECTLY RELATED AND BECAUSE OF THE DEFECT AND IMPERFECTION IN MASCULINITY OR MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because if a masculine leads his feminine in the path of the truth or God's ways, the feminine WILL NEVER TRY TO UPSTAGE AND SNATCH POWER FROM HER MAN OR DESIRE HER MAN IN A DESTRUCTIVE WAY AS PER THE STATEMENT ABOVE!!!! So then Edwin, and I'm not pointing fingers here because I have the same masculine defect as you or any man, but your gf hassling you and desiring you in a bad way is probably also a result of your less than perfect or weak masculinity. Perhaps you have not led her in God's truthful/perfect/holy/pure ways, and you are engaging her in non-Godly ways, and God is causing you the problem you have with your gf now so that you can see that you need to engage her in Godly ways!!! For instance you may be spending lots of time going to the movies or studying math with her, BUT NOT SPENDING TIME PRAYING OR READING GOD'S WORD OR DOING ANYTHING HELPFUL TO EACH OTHER'S SOULS. For it is written in God's word that if a masculine leads his feminine in the ways of God, or at least TRIES TO DO SO, they shall both be blessed!!!!! Which means you wouldnt have such problems with your gf, or that they will occur less. By that it is not to say you are going to be instantly freed of these troubles with your gf tommorow after conducting bible study with her. NO!
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God tests your patience which is your masculinity too, and you must also know that God is NOT A FAN OF INSTANT GRATIFICATION!!!!!!(and that is also found in the bible)
ReplyDeleteTo conclude, the problems are interpersonal---yes, but deeper matters of Christian living are also present, and they, given you and your gf are Christians, should take priority over interpersonal ones!!! Also the relationship issues between you both are as much due to her faults, in her femnininity, as it is due to those in your masculinity. Let me also conclude by giving you the biblical definition of masculinity, which is also found in the ancient languages of Greek, Latin, Hebrew.
“A masculine is someone WHO REMEMBERS WHAT IS TRUE AND MOVES!!!!”
This statement is most aptly and easily applied to a husband-wife relationship, but it can also be done in all aspects of life, just that it is a little harder to understand how it can be applied!
True---is with respect to upright biblical virtues/ethics; and moves----is to take initiative to go towards the truth or the correct path with respect to the same virtues/ethics. In short, it also means given a situation, any one, especially negative ones, the onus is on the masculine to find the truth with respect to biblical virtues/ethics and get his feminine to follow that truth!! A good masculine moves really really fast into the truth!! And a good feminine submits to her masculine (not as in blind submission, but rather, she adds or raises the standard of her masculine with respect to biblical virtues/ethics) just as fast.
God bless!
Dear Mark,
ReplyDeleteAs I have pointed out very early in the passage,my girlfriend is the most wonderful woman I have ever found. Now,I am only going to address the first few paragraphs of your comments, because I have this strong feeling that your following paragraphs have digressed quite a significant bit.
Ok. I understand it this way: When two individuals get together to be a couple, many things are shared. This unfortunately / fortunately, includes PMS. While many people see this as a drag, or something that they really hate, one can CHOOSE to see it in a different light. Do you feel you tend to vent out your anger more at your family members or close friends? In the same way, should a girl exhibit PMS symptoms exclusively in front of you, I think it reflects that she is comfortable being with you. I think you have mentioned this point, and I'm glad to say we agree on this perspective.
Next, you have mentioned the Bible + God as a solution for PMS. Thank you for your sound advice on prayer. That one I do regularly, whether or not she has PMS.
I'd like to point out that while you mention that there's this verse in the bible that says, " Wives, submit to your husbands", the preceding verse reads, "Husbands, love your wives." From what I understand, 'husbands, love your wives' encompass everything that the wife has to do for the husband + more. It includes being gentle and sensitive with her, making compromises in order to preserve love and peace. So I see that while her demands may be illogical, God has told me to love her. So this is what I will do.
Mark, I do appreciate your honest comments, and I will surely take into consideration the points I find valid. However, I do not think that you should have talked about my girlfriend as if you have known her for years and are clear about her character. Much less make such lengthy judgements on her essence whimsically. If it is possible, please refrain from doing such things in the future. Thanks a lot!
Mark, ..
ReplyDeleteMatthew 7:1... 9 words in reply for your 9 page long reply
Hi Guys! Sleep, stress and diet are also deciding factors for one's regulations of emotions. I believe in any interpersonal conflict, the first thing to do is to have a cool head and learn to step out into a third person perspective to analyse the situation.
ReplyDeleteIf done the opposite way, one would rush to defend his/her pride or interest, the mess usually gets bigger.
It's getting late, I will be posting more posts with more details in a few days time. Stay tune =)
Sup morethan100,
ReplyDeleteOh come on, morethan100, you cant be serious telling me that! If I am REALLY JUDGING, morethan100, I will be hurting rather than edifying, or dont you say so too? Judging is not judging if there is something edifying about it. It shouldnt then be called judging if all my words and sentences are free of profanities or other unwholesome language, or dont you think so?
Rather I would say its edifying if you would only consider this: If everybody in this world, most especially the Christian authors who write bible commentaries, say that they arent going to write bible commentaries because they somehow would HAVE TO SOUND like they are JUDGING mankind or the people who are going to read their edifying works, then how are people ever going to learn from others? Somebody must be brave enough to step forward, and risk being accused of judging others like you have done to me, to write, edify, teach, ADMONISH, ENCOURAGE, URGE their Christian OR NON-CHRISTIAN friends, family and acquaintances!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What else could be more appropriate? And I wasnt even SOUNDING like I'm judging, for I would have used much more severe and foul language----because only these CAN HURT----and JUDGING IS ABOUT HURTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or dont you now see, morethan100? I dont want to be a coward, morethan100, though thats not saying you are one, because that would be TRUELY JUDGING YOU, which you know I dont do!!
Rather morethan100, if you are Christian, and if you really know the Word of God, you will step forward and probably give edifying instruction and guidance in the manner I've given above, all 9 pages of it!!!!! That is love for you, morethan100, God's love. It's not taking a backseat and giving the excuse---that the verse says not to judge, and therefore you will rather withold what good knowledge you have in you because you think others may feel judged. That's selfishness, morethan100. Rather you have to find to way so that you DO NOT SOUND OR COME ACROSS AS IF YOU ARE JUDGING!!!!
Here's the challenge to you, morethan100! Show us what you've got, don't hide away and use bible verses as excuses to excuse yourself and worst, ACCUSE OTHERS---LIKE ME!!!!!!!!!!
Besides, morethan100, wouldnt you say that you yourself are judging me when you send me that verse? Or dont you see or own contradiction when you told me not to judge? BUT, morethan100, I fully know that you are not judging me!!!!!! In the same way that I know I am not judging others!!!!!!!!! I fully know that you meant me good; you were edifying me, morethan100, and that is the same spirit I am trying to use when I write what you called a 9-page 'judgement' on others!!!!!!!!!! I am edifying, not judging, morethan100. I am trying to make you aware of your your intention in sending me that verse, to make you also aware of how I am interacting with others in a non-judgemental way!
ReplyDeleteUnless now you tell me, "Mark I was definitely judging you severely (negatively) when I asked you to read that verse," then I am speechless, for you would have contradicted yourself! But I'm sure it isnt the case I'm so very sure!!!! You are a sensible person, I want to believe!!!!
Love
Consider this too, morethan100, would you say a pastor on a dais is judging when he goes before the congregation? No you wouldnt, isn't that true? For a pastor's role to point out human faults and urge his congregation to turn to God or REPENT, and he seems like he is judging because there are commonalities between what he is doing and what school-going kids at a playground shout at each other during a squabble! The former is of course spiritually inspired but also polite, while the latter is obviously childish, vengeful, hurtful. In the same way I am speaking from the politeness and goodwill of the pastor's.
ReplyDeleteThat is not to say I am the pastor, because that is a completely different thing altogether. Rather you can have the heart and intent of a pastor's without being one!
Besides, morethan100, I think you should already know this, but the thing with judgement is not the issue of the judger but with the judged. The strongest and most emotionally gifted human beings in this world are those who simply cannot see bad in judgement, no matter how hard they tried. These people are truely blessed with a gift even I want for myself, because their minds/spirits/souls/psyches are just so darn strong (pure I mean), they only take away good from judgements!
In short, these are the people who can turn the bad that 99.99 percent of the rest of the human population are so inclined and predisposed to see, into good or positivity. Let me give an example.
For instance when a teacher for reasons unknown lashed out "asshole" at a perennially late-coming student to a class, the student should under normal circumstances feel judged. He will feel sad and discouraged. But if the student can instead feel as if nothing had occured and not 1 bit affected negatively, and even smile and chuckle with himself or something just so different than what you would normally expect a normal high-school student would do; that student is 1 in a million-billion (in a good way). Why? Because that student is so very confident about the reasons behind his late-coming werent due to his ill-discipline (his conscience is clear), but rather he had to nurse his cancer-stricken mum for the past 6 months in which he had been late. That rendered the student completely unable to process bad in judgements, and therefore he remains unaffected, and the peace and comfort and joy continues to reign in his mind/psyche/soul/spirit. It didnt matter what others said about him, he only knew he needed to know about himself, and that kind of mind/psyche/spirit/soul is precious as gold. I will adopt such a kid instantly, or marry such a wife just as quickly!!! Take another example.
An african village boy and future olympic champion in long distance started out running in the wheat fields in the african highlands in his suburb since 6 years old, after seeing one of his countryman snatch the Moscow 84 olympic double gold over 5000m and 10000m. He continued doing so until 15 years of age, despite his father's objections and pleas for him to become something better such as a lawyer or doctor. His father would every now and then judge him and called him an 'idiot', 'asshole','jerk' and worst, all at once. Haha! His father repeatedly taunted him and judged him so severely that he didnt think his father thought of him any better than one of the cattle stock.
(continue below)
But in his autobiography, he mentioned he CHUCKLED, SMILED, GIGGLED, laughed WITH HIMSELF (NOT AT HIS FATHER) everytime his father threw down judgements at him, because he simply COULD NOT SEE what about the bad in being a professional long distance athlete that his father finds so deplorable. The boy could only see, think and visualize everything good about professional long distance racing; from the images in the TV when his countryman ascended the podium top in colourful resplendence at Moscow 84, as well as everything exciting he'd hear about travelling around the globe training and racing as the world's best long distance athlete. Even if he'd been told it's lots of hard work and sacrifice---including physical and mental pain, he simply isnt affected by any of these because he has been convicted too deep about the good surrounding professional long distance racing.
ReplyDeleteTherefore, when people, such as his father, tell him otherwise, he obviously had to chuckle and smile, and feel motivated to run faster and better, because he finds others' perspective just so puzzling. He is able to turn/filter the 'bad' in judgement into 'good'(motivation) because of something already good inside of him, which is always directly related to a very very high emotional intelligence. In other words, that confirms my statement when I say above that when somebody judges somebody else, we shouldnt so much implicate the judger, rather you should ask the judged to LEARN ABOUT WHY THEY FEEL JUDGED!!!! Because if there is something good (such as life-values/goals/visions/conviction) in the judged which is so predominant, which is a function of high EQ, then they SHOULDNT FEEL JUDGED OR AFFECTED BY THE JUDGER!!!!!!! Do you see what I'm coming from, morethan100. This is a new and better angle to look at things. Why must anybody be affected by anybody in a bad way. And true victors in life have this rare ability to FIND MOTIVATION/GOOD/PLEASURE/JOY FROM THE MOST UNLIKELY PLACES---THE SUPPOSED NEGATIVE IN JUDGEMENTS!!
But do note, that to do such a thing and turn negative judgements into positive ones---just like that, is no easy feat. It requires more than a high emotional intelligence. It requires almost always GODLY INTERVENTION/INSPIRATION, because such an act is almost non-human! And the boy whom I described above is a follower and lover of Christ, and he was somebody nobody ever gave a chance or even thought to from since he was a little boy; but his gift was his INABILITY to see that others disregarded even compromised his self-respect. His mind/psyche/soul/spirit remains pure consequently. He in turn went on to take 10000m olympic golds in Atlanta 96 and Sydney 2000, along of host of world championship's titles stretching over a decade. He has been feted as the FASTEST and MOST AMAZING long distance athlete in all of mankind's history. His initials are H.G.
Now I'm making this example above just to show what the real issue is about judgement---judgers and judged. Only you have control over you.
Love
Hi Mark. If I am so sure that I am not judging anyone else and someone does accuse me of doing so, I would just chuckle, smile, giggle and laugh with myself. And there is really no need to write such a long defense for your stand.
ReplyDeleteTo everyone else,I already have lots of comments on this blog post. I would appreciate if further comments will be related to my original post instead of its spin-offs. I have no intentions of turning this place into a battlefield.
Violators will have their posts promptly removed from this blog. Thank you very much! =)
Hi Edwin, in response to your latest post above----nope, you misconstrued the judgement I was talking about in my latest above 3 posts.
ReplyDeleteIf you read closely, the examples I gave concerned the judged. The judged are those people who got judged by others. They are NOT in the act of judging themselves; whereas you have accidentally misrepresented my argument by making the statement "If I am so sure that I am not judging anyone else...". This first half of your statement distorts my argument because I have not said that the judged were making any judgements at all. The judged are on the receiving end of the judgements. Of course the judged also possess the ability to judge but I'm not talking about that at all. Rather I am talking about how the judged, if they are truely gifted with high EQ, will be able to transform the judgements of others ON them into something else better such as commendment, motivation, or some other positive thing or feeling. Do you see as I see? Their minds are just so strong and positive, nothing can infiltrate it. That is the essence of my argument. And the kind of people I'm saying, who possess such indomitable mind and spirit, are olympic champions found in most endurance sports! Of course they can be found in other areas or aspects of life, but if you want to find the greatest amount of such strong-minded people, look to endurance sports!
So how may the example I made be useful in our exchange of ideas in this comments section? For a start, if you would only be able to perceive my judgement (or so you feel) on you or your gf as something other than judgement, say edification, love, care, concern, beauty, wonder, commendment, praise, you would then have demonstrated this strong-minded and indomitable positive trait that I've talked about in the examples I've given; and that would have been honorable. It would also follow that you have a most beautiful mind/soul/spirit/nature/psyche/heart. Wouldnt you think so too?
Cheers and Love
btw who was that dude--morethan100; he doesnt seem to be from ES2007s. Haha!
Cheers
Oh, I see! Well,must be a miscommunication. I misread your statement "Besides, morethan100, wouldnt you say that you yourself are judging me when you send me that verse? Or dont you see or own contradiction when you told me not to judge?" and whatever is after a defense against judgement by morethan100.
ReplyDeleteWell,now that this is clarified, great! problem solved! You are right Mark. I'm gonna learn how to man up, and grow to be honourable. Thanks so much for your comments! =)
Well lets look at your problem logically. Consider the following syllogism.
ReplyDeleteYou don't want to deal with PMS.
Men do not PMS.
Therefore, you should start dating men.
Men or Michelle apparently, since she also doesn't PMS (we can talk more about this offline... haha).
But if don't intend to switch teams, I think I have a few tips for you.
No. 1
DO NOT show her this blog post. What's wrong with you dude??!! You already can't high five girls, you don't want to add more stuff to the list of things you can't do.
No.2
PMS comes in cycles, and as any engineer would tell you, cyclic loadings are the worst. The good thing though is that it can be anticipated. You may want to avoid her during this period, every month till the sweet relief of menopause hits her.
No 3
OK i googled this. Some medical experts believe that the symptoms of PMS can be relieved by certain prescription drugs. If you some spare cash, then go for this.
No 4
Well, just give in. It looks like you really like this girl, so you are just going to have to put up with the occasional irrational moments. Hey man I know its difficult. Believe me I know. But you are just going to have to suck it in and think about the better times you have had and are going to have. Again this relates back to the EQ concept of emotional control.
Well that's my two cents. Hope that helps. (Seriously dude, don't show her this. EVER)
=) haha.. she knows about this. Well, it may sound as if our relationship is rocky,but seriously, we talk about everything. And she knows about this post, and I've even discussed with her what I will write in it. Yes. We are really honest with each other. No secrets. haha!
ReplyDeleteI understand what you mean by PMS being a cycle. I've already adopted a very active stand to tackle this regularity. There'll be a radar out everytime it gets closer to the same part of the cycle, and whatever happens at that time will not be taken too seriously. Like, if there is something to dispute about, I'll take a neutral but agreeable stance.
I think what the girls (Mabel and Michelle) said are very correct. Patience is of utmost importance. And if patience is shown, it is very apparent to her. (My girlfriend told me that.) So I'll probably continue with my strategy of being patient and loving.
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ReplyDeleteYou need to empathise with how your girlfriend is feeling and not let her outward displays affect your emotions. As much as she has PMS, you need to control your temper and display your emotions in an appropriate manner so that she understands that you care for her. As a girl, I too understand that when girls are filled with emotions, the only thing that they want is someone to be there for them (security) and the support they have from them.
ReplyDeleteWhen your girlfriend was interrupting you, you should have the social skills to excuse yourself and pull her aside to enquire about the reason for her interruption. I am certain your girlfriend means a lot to you and you would want to resolve this issue. Make this your motivation to help her through the difficult times when she has PMS. Furthermore, know your place in the relationship by asserting yourself properly and not just giving in to her requests. Look at the motivation behind her requests and tackle them rationally. Hope your love for her will prevail over these obstacles.
Cheers!
Hi Edwin,I feel that I can really relate to your post having been in several similar situations myself haha. So I thought I'd just give my 2 cents worth here and hope it really helps! :D
ReplyDeleteI don't think PMS is the root of the problems that occur between couples. Yes,there may be tricky times during a month but I believe it ultimately boils down to the interaction between you and your partner. Perhaps there may have been nonverbal signals that you have been sending and interpreted wrongly by your girlfriend or vice versa.
Take the incident where she wanted to tell you something while you were speaking to your friend. I felt it was a lack of empathy on both sides because she couldn't understand why you were not answering her despite her standing next to you and this might have triggered off this misunderstanding that you placed greater emphasis on your friend. And yet maybe she was going to tell you something important but you wouldn't know that unless you asked her right?
So the bottom line is,when dealing with interpersonal relationships we should always be aware of the nonverbal signals sent out by the recipient and yet be mindful that signals can be misread.
Speaking from the point of view of a girl, we tend to be very insecure and as such we would need more attention from our partners. But of course, we cannot blame every single argument on our hormonal changes too. So the thing is, give and take in a relationship and I'm sure things will work out fine :)
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ReplyDeleteI have to give you lots of credit, Edwin, for being so forthright about this troubling scenario on your blog. (What will your girlfriend say if she reads it? Has she already?) You describe the situation clearly with lots of panache and quite a bit of objectivity. It could be shortened, I feel, and still have the same impact. However, lack of conciseness aside, you do a very good job of telling the story and then, with a precise couple of questions (verb tense aside as well) suggesting that your readers throw you a potential life raft of advice.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few language issues I'd like you to reflect on:
a) It is only until I met my girlfriend that I became aware of how susceptible I personally was to conflicts. >>> It WAS only AFTER I met my girlfriend that I became aware of how susceptible I personally was to conflicts.
b) PMS for the unknowing, refers to Pre-Menstrual Syndrome- just a name. >>> PMS refers to Pre-Menstrual Syndrome.
c) With that, she also coerced me to say that I will back her in any arguments with people, .... >>> With that, she also coerced me to say that I WOULD back her in any arguments with people, ... (Use "would" when referring to a future potentiality discussed in the past. Edwin, could you remind me to address this in class? It's a useful example of a very common issue.)
d) Sometimes, even if it could settle arguments, I hesitate to agree to certain conditions set by my girlfriend during PMS if I know will put me at a disadvantageous position in the future, or which makes little sense.
>>> Sometimes, even if it could settle arguments, I WOULD hesitate to agree to certain conditions set by my girlfriend during PMS BECAUSE I know IT WOULD put me at a disadvantageous position in the future. (Stick with the use of the hypothetical, being consistent with verbs WOULD, COULD, MIGHT.)
e) I know that if I were to agree to such conditions, it would undoubtedly still raging emotions but would place me in a perilous position for conflicts in the future. >>> ???
In any case, this is a fine post. And by the way, the relevance and commonality of this situation might just be reflected in the enthusiasm you've garnered from your commentators. Aiyohhhhh!!! I think you have set a record for the length of responses. Well done, man! And best of luck with your girlfriend!