Dear Mr Samuels,
As a recent graduate from the National University of Singapore, I am extremely pleased and excited to read about the job opening for the Endocrine Analyst that was publicised recently on the Zoo’s website. It has been a childhood dream for me to work in the zoo, and this dream has shaped my choice for my course of studies in NUS. This being my area of passion, I believe that my contributions to the Zoo will be substantial, both in the arena of research and in public education.
A few of my significant capabilities make the job of Endocrine Analyst especially suited for me:
· As a Life Science biology major, I am experienced with lab work, being trained in lab skills, handling animals and test assays. I did a 6 month long stint in South Africa for my Student Exchange Programme, where I took a module on Mammalogy and had first hand experiences in handling large mammals like giraffes and the African Elephant. I am also trained in biochemistry, which will be useful in interpreting results derived from hormonal tests.
· Outside of the research role that the Endocrine Analyst has to play, I am also adequately equipped with people skills. My leadership stint during NS days allowed me to experiment with various forms of leadership, learning to work with difficult men and to handle manpower effectively. Also, being heavily involved in the re-capture of the fugitive Mas Selamat, I had been given responsibilities over a large amount of controlled logistics like ammunition and comms sets that assisted my soldiers in the operation. I managed to keep track of all the equipment that was under my charge and returned all of them to the stores after the operation was over. Hence, I have confidence that maintaining an inventory will not be a problem to me in my course of work.
· Being an avid volunteer for many events, I get to interact much with people, both young and old. In my experiences as a volunteer with teaching roles, I managed to understand how the minds of young children work, and how to effectively communicate with them both verbally and non-verbally. Therefore, I believe that I can value add to the role of the Endocrine Analyst by giving lessons to interested members of the public regarding conservation of animals as a professional. This service can be extended especially to students so that our message can be targeted at an audience which can potentially make a difference.
Given my experience in handling animals, conducting tests, doing lab work, juggling manpower and logistics, and my close contacts with people, I believe that I will be a valuable addition to the Singapore Zoological Gardens in both research and public relations. I will be calling you in a week's time just in case you have any further questions. Thank you for your consideration, and I am looking forward to meeting you.
Sincerely,
Khoo Wei Lun Edwin
Hi Edwin,
ReplyDelete"As a recent graduate from the National University of Singapore, I am extremely pleased and excited to read about the job opening for the Endocrine Analyst that was publicised recently on the Zoo’s website."
Consider better:
As a recent graduate from the National University of Singapore, I am extremely pleased and excited to read about the job opening for an Endocrine Analyst that was publicised recently on the Zoo’s website.
Consider this too:
It has been a childhood dream of mine to work in the zoo, and this dream has shaped my choice of course of studies in NUS. Being my area of passion, I believe that my contributions to the Zoo will be substantial both in the area of research and in public education.
Consider this too(with edit):
A few of my strengths make the job of Endocrine Analyst especially suited to me:
As a Life Science biology major, I have experience with lab work, being trained in lab skills and handling animals and test assays. (No linking word to next sentence??? Or new paragraph???) I did a 6 month long stint in South Africa for my Student Exchange Programme, where I took a module on Mammalogy and had first hand experiences in handling large mammals like giraffes and the African Elephant. I am also trained in biochemistry, which will be useful in interpreting results derived from hormonal tests.
Consider this too(with edit):
Outside of the research, I am also adequately equipped with people skills. My leadership stint during my NS days exposed me to various forms of leadership, learning to work with difficult men, and to handle manpower effectively. Also, being heavily involved in the re-capture of the fugitive Mas Selamat, I had been given responsibilities over a large amount of control logistics like ammunition and communications, that assisted my soldiers in the operation. I am proud to have kept track of all the equipment that was under my charge and to return them to the stores after the operation was over. Given that, I have good confidence that maintaining an inventory will pose no problem to me during my tenure with you.
COnsider this too(edited):
Being an avid volunteer for many events, I get much interaction with people of all types, young and old. In my experiences as volunteer through elementary teaching, I have come to understand how the minds of young children operate, and therefore learn to effectively communicate with them both verbally and non-verbally. On that note, I believe that I can add value to the role of a Endocrine Analyst by giving lessons to interested members of the public, regarding conservation of animals as a profession. This aspect can then be extended specially to students so that our message (what message????? not clear) can be targeted at prospective audiences who can make a difference to society through our exhortation.(exhort message, but what message??? not clear again)
Overall not a bad effort. Just a few sentence structure problems which might not go well with your employer. Also, need to be more subtle and delicate, because that is the only way to make your INTENTION BEAUTIFUL. It's not about beautiful writing or bombastic words, it is beautiful intention!! The only way for people to see beauty in your intention, is to write delicately thus beautifully. People love delicate people, as much as they love delicate intentions and writing.
Cheers
Hi Mark, thanks for your very applicable tips. I will surely put some of what you have suggested into my newest draft! And yes, I agree that I have to write delicately. I did find that through previous writing modules, my style of writing is quite direct and lacks what you pointed out as delicate-ness. Thanks for highlighting it to me! I will try to work on it and hopefully, grasp how to write as delicately as Isaac before I complete this course.
ReplyDeleteOnce again, thanks for your suggestions!